Writer's block settled in strong as I navigated the tricky month of May that spills into June, this time with the added layer of breast cancer treatment.
May is a month that is always teaching me life's lessons, even ones I am not particularly interested in learning. Well, especially those I am not interested in learning.
Perspective and perseverance are the words that pulse through my heart and soul and just when I feel I really have them secured in my brain and understand, life hands me something else as if to say, "No, no, no...not yet! Not yet do you understand what is truly important." So here I am again slipping into June with the many lessons of May mocking and forcing me to learn and appreciate, yet again, what is really important in my life.
May was the month of Paige, high school graduate and this amazing example of "be patient, all good things come in time." She surprised us in many ways this month. Providing me with the full circle moments I live for as both a mom and a writer. Full circle moments that didn't seem possible three years ago as her freshman year wrapped up.
All hands were on deck for her graduation. Married older sister and husband flew in, New York girl shockingly home for the summer, and the youngest sister stuck here with us for the next three years to live her new life as "only child."
We were on time for the ceremony, which really means we were late because on time meant there were no seats. If I had remembered for graduate number three that I needed to bring flowers, we could have had seats, but I did not remember so there was a last minute stop. We stood in the back. But Paige's super power is her ability to be alert and see what the rest of us don't see. And she looked right up and saw us after getting to her seat.
The details of it all are unimportant, but she gave us a moment at her graduation that I will never forget. A beautiful, perfect surprise moment that let me know I had done my job well in all that she is and will be. There is a subtlety to Paige...in her humor, in her demeanor, in her voice and in her life. A subtlety I can learn from and incorporate into my own life. And will. Life lesson.
The month of Paige was somewhat overshadowed by breast cancer round 2 in our house. A little life curve ball I wasn't interested in, but had to handle, and as it turned out, had to handle in my life lesson learning Month of May.
May found me having my second mastectomy with recovery spilling into June. The long and short of it is that I had the best possible breast cancer one could have. It was small, my numbers were low, no chemo will be needed, I am in menopause so I get the best possible five year follow up medicine and so on and so on. All the best possible kinds of breast cancer. So I am relieved and blessed and take none of it for granted.
But I find myself trying to recover in my mind, to move past the emotions of it all. The dark thoughts that creep in and take over when you let your guard down. The idea that once again, for me, life is moving forward, but I am a few steps behind. Graduation happened, but I still need to mail the announcements. A huge family trip is upon us, but I haven't finalized all the details. Dance recital is here, but I feel like it crept up on me.
This year is my 18th dance recital for my girls. Actually just for Showstoppers. If I take a moment to add in the ballet recitals, there would be too many to count. The memories of it all pop every day on Facebook. I am melancholy over it all in a much fiercer way than normal. I will blame cancer and it's new medication for the weepy mess I become when their four baby faces in tutus and buns and high pony tails and y scale poses pop up on my feed.
Last night I sat and watched the rehearsal happenings, the comings and goings of busy moms (and a few poor dads doing their best). Some were in the middle of the balancing act of handling dance and swim. Stripping off fancy costumes and tutus and slipping the girls into competitive swim suits to rush off to swim meets. I watched this as a Facebook post from years earlier popped up. The post reminded me that for about four years in my life I did back to back weekends of two separate dance recitals, with at least one swim meet thrown into the mix, with four girls. That's a bit of crazy I can't comprehend, and from a time in my life when I was clearly several steps ahead of things.
June will end and we will all snap into July. July comes and goes quick. It promises to be fun and lazy and to let us relax, but in the end it's a big tease. We will blink and July will be over and the start of school will be here. Sophomore year will commence, college girls will leave, married girl will be knee deep in PA school applications and maybe I will be in step with it all and not lagging behind. But maybe not, maybe I will lag into fall and winter before I can truly catch up.
I am grateful for my life lessons in May, and those that continue to hit as we have spilled into June. I'm not going to lie, I would very much like to take July and August off from life lessons, but I guess that isn't how perspective and perseverance work. They just keep coming at you.
On a side note:
*Thank you. Thank you for every blog you read. Thank you for every flower delivery, gift card, mailed card, ice cream cake, surprise Amazon delivery, text, prayer, special thought, offered ride, coffee mug, wine glass and soooo much more. It was appreciated more than I can express in spoken or written words. I appreciate ALL of my people who show up for me.
I am a somewhat loner gal who puts her parenting out there for the public because I have this strong desire to "tell it like it is." I am thankful for all of you who "get me" and embrace (or at the very least tolerate) me.
