I took a weekend off recently. We went away for a late anniversary weekend and then I took a couple of days to myself, a little "calm before the cancer storm" time. The reality in what I have ahead has been catching up to me.
Getting away always has a "careful what you wish for" feel to it. I'm always ready to get away, I need to get away, it's important to get away, but the minute I get away... I feel bad about leaving. I will miss the girls and feel guilty that I have left them (even though there are many teenage assurances that I am not needed in any way.) There is less guilt as the years go by, but there are still small enough doses that hit you at some point in your time away.
Paige had Senior prom while I was gone. I had her all ready to go, left some money, and checked in often. She was fine with my absence. She is responsible, independent and has a nice group of friends who have their feet firmly planted on the ground. We had done our nails together earlier in the week for prom and life. It was a special afternoon for me. She invited me. I spent the morning peeling off nail polish that didn't need replacing so that I could have my nails done with her. This was the important time with her. This was the memory she and I will remember and cherish. I know this, but still, you get caught up in the Instagram and Facebookness of it all and lose sight of what's important.
There was a moment about mid day Saturday when she needed some help. We handled it all on the phone. It was minor, nothing serious, but still, I panicked and flooded myself with guilt. What was wrong with me? Why hadn't I stayed to help her through these 7 minutes in person? Why wasn't I taking pictures by greenery and wine barrels? Why was I such a terrible mother? All this had me crying to my own mother by a fire pit in Tahoe.
It passed. All was fine, with both her and me. She resumed with prom and I resumed celebrating 25 years of marriage. All the while my husband gambled and really had no idea there was even a prom taking place. The difference between moms and dads.
Last competitive dance weekend for the year has come and gone. I am 17 years and 4 kids into dance and 7 years and 3 kids into the competitive side. I can do a million blogs on what my girls have gleamed from it the experience of it all, but this last weekend I took some time to think about what it had done for me. I am not a big "engager." Meaning in 17 and 7 years, I had yet to give in to the community of it all for myself. Simply put, I didn't have any dance mom friends. It will take a deeper look and blog to decide what that says about me in a big picture kind of way, but for whatever reason, this year I let lose a little and opened myself up, and I have some people.
It was good timing on my part, because it turns out I need them. I am grateful they came into my life and that I was mature enough to let a wall down and meet some ladies that are making a difference in my daughter's life and mine.
People will tell me I am strong or inspirational or give me some positive accolade as I blog through life and now a second round of cancer. And I am a decent person. But the real truth is that if I am even half of what people tell me I am...it is only because I surround myself with really good people.
I have text "threads," this word makes my girls cringe, or group texts if you will with a few different groupings of people. And every group makes me smile and laugh and think and prioritize what is important and regain perspective and persevere over everything from the fuckery of the mundane (teens) to the fuckery of life (cancer.)
I have surgery Thursday. The rest of my treatment will follow depending on how the surgery goes. I'm good, with whatever they tell me and with whatever follows.
Take some time time to laugh a little on Thursday. Take a moment to take a deep breath on Thursday. If you send me texts wait for replies that will make no sense as they will be loopy and drug induced and without my strong glasses that have recently been lost at dance competitive weekend. A perfect storm of crazy that should have us laughing by the weekend.
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