This week my facebook memories are flooded with past first day of school pictures. I love first day of school pictures. I always have. The idea of a fresh new year, bright and hopeful ahead of everyone has always made me feel content.
High school Junior will be home for school. Until October the district says. I think that's optimistic. We walked out the door in March, I think we will walk back in the door in March. I am hoping for January, we shall see.
After I get distance learning up and running here I will head to New York with college Sophomore, where we will quarantine for 14 days before moving her into an apartment. No dorms. The school pulled the plug on them two weeks ago. We pivoted into an apartment. She will join our college Senior (give or take a few units) who just moved herself across town and pivoted to adulthood with no help from us. Well, no physical help, there was some financial help.
The irony of New York requiring me to quarantine for 14 days, to keep their declining numbers and low positivity rate is not lost on me. I was last there in March and watched them shut the city down. They had little hope. They stayed the course. I remember being grateful to fly out. Six months later I am grateful to fly in. They have plenty of hope now.
Our oldest finished her summer session for PA school in Florida. All virtually. She has a two week break after non stop studying. I often cannot believe my girls are mine. They have qualities and a strength of character I cannot always find in myself. Watching her tackle school these last three months has been humbling. If you need a doctor in two years, find the one she is a PA for, because she is unreal in her commitment and dedication to this profession.
I have black hair, on any given day my marriage is hanging by a thread, also my marriage is stronger in ways I am beyond grateful for, I miss pedicures, I like ordering my groceries online and just picking them up behind the store, binging all kinds of TV has lost its luster, I haven't made a single decision in 5 months that I haven't second, third and fourth guessed only to have to change it by force anyway...there is a flip flopping between despair and silver linings that happens here at break necking speed.
I share all this because I know I am not alone. I know that many will read this and nod your heads vigorously and say to yourselves, "yes, yes, me too, me too."
In this quiet time of Covid Chaos I am trying to sit still and speak to myself. I am trying to dig deep and find the deeper meaning. I am working hard to let go of things that weren't meant to be and reach for the things that were. It turns out when I sit still, the things I let go of weren't that important and the things I have manged to grab and move to the forefront were really the ones that mattered.
We had some peripheral life and death in our world this week. Several deaths in the lives of friends. One death that had been nearing and one that was sudden. One I had to guide myself through as an adult, and one I had to guide a daughter through. Both seemed surreal and hard and unfair. We also had life. My niece had a baby. There were some complications. All is fine now and mother and daughter are home and well.
The pictures of mom and baby, with mom masked. The deaths being handled with masks and no opportunity to mourn with others. All happening while my face was breaking out from my minimal mask wearing and I was complaining and thinking,"If only I could have a facial again." Perspective is always handed to me in the most dramatic fashions. I would really like God to know that I am open to a dose of perspective with just a soft whisper, it does not always need to be loud.
My pastor told me today, and by me I mean he said this to everyone in his online sermon, that we can move past the things that bother us, or hurt us, or the things we said that bothered someone or hurt them. I am paraphrasing and he may read this and say, "No, no that wasn't the whole message." But, this is what I heard and this was the message I chose to pivot on and make myself feel better as I head into the fall and school year of 2020.
Tomorrow I will post our first day of school pictures. I hope everyone else does too. It is still a new year, bright and hopeful no matter what perspective had to be handed to you, or what the pivot was to get us here.
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