The Evolution of the Christmas Tree

In early December I was playing tennis, back when one could play tennis in California before we lived under the sea and water was our new home, and my lesson partner and I were casually discussing Christmas tree purchases. She had been to a nice lot in town and paid a hefty price for her tree. Our instructor thought it was a lot of money and asked me if I would spend that kind of money on a tree. My inner voice immediately scoffed and said, "No! Of course not. That is an obscene amount of money for a tree. Ridiculous. I would never..." but as my inner voice raged on, and I slowed down my response and quieted myself before speaking with my outer voice (as I am on a real journey to have unspoken thoughts), I responded  with, "Yes, I would." Because in reality, despite what my current judgmental inner voice had to say, I had For many years purchased really large exquisite Christmas trees from the exact same lot. 

I was younger, with four young children. We had a living room with a front facing window to frame the tree. I had grown up with a large tree. The tree represented a vision I had for our family, for our Christmas, and for all things merry. My husband was not excited by the tree purchase from the expensive lot, but over the years he leaned in to my vision and even took over the picking out of the tree. I would bundle up the kids in outerwear and send the five of them off to return with the large expensive tree that checked every box of my very specific vision of Christmas and our holiday season. We spent a night decorating it. We got out all the ornaments. We placed them with care. We placed an angel on the top. I served hot chocolate. Christmas perfection! Or at least remembered that way by me now.

Then life moved forward. Children aged. At some point it was hard to get all four children to the lot with dad so it dwindled down to one or two. At the end of the big Christmas tree years I did notice that everyone was around to hang one or two ornaments and then it was just me finishing it alone. And one year I even left it to the babysitter. We had to be away for a night and I basically said, "please just have it done by the time we return."

The turning over of the tree to the babysitter was probably a foreshadowing to what came next. We sold the big house with the perfect tree framing window. With the loss of the window, so went my desire for a large exquisite tree. In our new smaller latchkey home for future empty nesters, came a smaller tree purchased at Save Mart for a much more reasonable price. It held fewer ornaments and I took to just rifling through the ornament storage bin and placing a few significant ornaments from our lives. Usually done by myself as the remaining non college teens drifted in and out with little regard for tree decoration. One year, with two children away at college and out of the house, I didn't even make it to Save Mart and had decided to just not have a tree. However, sentimentality got the better of me and the day before Christmas Eve with a remaining child in tow I headed to Save Mart to get the tree. Propped against the wall outside the store with a sign that read "free" was one sad tree. I slowed to a stop and popped the trunk and started for the tree. With great embarrassment and passion the accompanying child whined, "No! MOM NO! These are trees for people that can't afford them. You can't take this tree." I explained that I wasn't going in to Save Mart to offer to pay for the tree and that if I did we would be here longer dealing with the tree. She slunk to the floor and refused to help as I shoved the tree into the back of our SUV like the grinch shoves the Who's tree up the chimney and off we went. 

The next year, with that child across the country at college (I have no idea why they all go so far away), my mother called from Home Goods to announce they had a small fake decorative Christmas tree that would look good on a table or by the front door. I said yes. My intention was to take it up to our vacation home, and be a better mother and get the Save Mart tree earlier and in a more dignified manor this year. The Home Goods tree arrived, went to a temporary table in my home, and there it stayed until April. No Save Mart tree made it in. I dressed up the small tree after Christmas with hearts and then shamrocks and then while typing  "decorative hanging Easter eggs" into the Amazon search bar, I decided I had gone to far and managed to get the tree out to the garage.

The little tree made it back in this Christmas for a repeat performance (easily done as it hadn't been gone long and was still fairly close to the door by which it had vacated the home). No actual ornaments for the tree as I didn't feel like digging through the box, just shiny bulbs purchased specifically so that I did not have to go find the ornament box. It left us before New Year's Eve and I have it successfully boxed up to head to the vacation house with the goal of buying a medium sized fake Christmas tree for next year. We shall see.

There were stops home for all of our children during the little tree's duration. It was our second holiday in quick succession with all adult children (and one spouse) together. It was...easy, enjoyable. I say that with all honesty and with complete acknowledgement that not all of our time together is easy and enjoyable, but these were. We were fortunate to have them all for these holidays. I always assume each one will be the last with everyone able to make it, and then it isn't.

Our youngest outlasted the tree and stayed until well into January. She was busy. Worked, house sat, drove her cousins and an older woman to appointments. She's a hustler. When she left I quieted my mind quickly. It was easier to return to our life of two.

The new year is here. I find myself still grappling with who I am since the absence of children in our home on the daily. It is both freeing and crippling. The decision to be whoever I am going to be now... may be taking the path of my trees. It started out big and elaborate in my mind, but the longer I sit with it the smaller and more succinct it becomes. 

Happy New Year my friends! The goal is what it is every year...to write more before it is 2024. Oh, and to play more tennis and of course to buy the new tree. We shall see.