In Memory of May

May is different for me now. I don't actually know how many days are left of school, I didn't really remember that Memorial Day was this weekend, my checkbook sits untouched in my desk drawer with maybe even a layer of dust on it. I'm not exhausted, and my house does not look like a crack house. All, formerly, tell tale signs of my life in May. 

Facebook reminds me of the many Mays that precede this year. There are sweet memories of the girls in elementary, middle and high school  school at awards and banquets and field days and lunches on the lawn and the list goes on. And in every one of those sweet memory pictures I look...well quite honestly, I look exhausted. And I was. Because May, for teachers and parents is exhausting. It's a one month overload of obligations and finality (and expense) that feels like you won't reach the finish line with any kind of dignity or joy. But then you do. You get there.

The last two Mays have been spent in large part in New York at college graduations.  I feel certain that next year, even though we have a three year reprieve from graduations, I am just going to pretend I have a graduation and I will go enjoy New York in May.

Our third daughter graduated from college with a Liberal Arts degree in creative writing and a film minor. We like to really work for things in this family. I mean we really enjoy not taking the easy path and digging deep into challenges. So, with that in mind, she will look for a job in film writing in New York while a massive writer's strike is in place. So, what I really mean is...she will teach swim lessons for a long time following graduation, but then eventually the right thing will come along. Older sister started her first real job while we were there, and she graduated a year ago. The swim lesson teaching has been a huge blessing that I one hundred percent take credit for as a pay off from the years of my crazy, over the top parenting in terms of insisting I would instill a strong sense of commitment in my children. Paige found the job her freshman year in college. It pays incredibly well and it has paid some New York rent for both girls for the last four years.

Paige hated summer swim team. As May would wrap up we would start June 1st with another round of over scheduled madness and hit the ground running with summer swim. In what can only be shocking news...I look exhausted in all  of the summer Facebook memories as well. Paige was a beautiful swimmer. Her stroke was beautiful, but there was little speed attached to the beautiful stroke. Over time with perseverance, both hers to do well and mine that refused to let anyone quit, the speed came. Her childhood swim journey is well documented in my writings. It was a surprise her freshman year in college when she called and said, "I am applying for this job, but I don't know if I am qualified..."

She went to the interview. The lady gave her the office interview and then asked her to swim a few lengths of the pool. She called me afterwards. I asked how it went and she said, "I don't know. I don't know if I got the job. I didn't even swim half a length when she told me to get out. Then she told me she doesn't hire college students. But then she told me to show up Saturday morning." I told her she had the job, the woman has just been burned by college kids calling in sick on Saturdays and Sundays, but that isn't you so don't worry about it show up Saturday. You have the job. And she has, for four years, And she got older sister a job there. And I take credit for it all.

She graduated at Radio City Music Hall. I mean, enough said, iconic. As the daughter and niece of fashionistas, I had been on her for weeks about the graduation outfit. She is a serious student who picked up a minor at the last minute and then landed an amazing internship her last semester, when she also had to write a thesis and work the damn swim job, so I feel the outfit was really the last thing on her mind. It is also a reminder that I raised four girls her are much more serious than I am, but still I pressed on with the outfit. We finally agreed we would deal with that when I got there. And we did. We bought three dresses one day while shopping. And they were all fine, but we both knew we didn't love them. As they day ended I was...exhausted, and walked her to the subway station and offered to buy her some things at whole foods. In the same building as Whole Foods was H and M. We were both exhausted, she from her demanding school, work, internship and thesis schedule and me for grabbing clothes and forcing her to try them on. But as we both stood there under the red neon lights of H and M we channeled our inner Lady Bird (if you know, you know) selves and headed into H and M. And there with both of our perseverance on full display, we found graduation outfit perfection.

Only her father and I went to graduation. While everyone had crossed paths during my two weeks there, including three glorious hours on Mother's Day when our original six had a picnic brunch in Central Park, it is impossible at this stage in our lives to get everyone to everything. I have learned to make the most of the time we have together, whenever and wherever that may be. It was a really good day.  Graduation was a really good day. She is a really good kid and I cannot wait to see where this education takes her. 

Many of you are still in the thick of May. I know. What I will say to you is, it changes so quickly. I took a break from writing to take out my trash for garbage pick up tomorrow. This used to be just the biggest fuckery of my life when there were six of us. Never enough space for all of our garbage. Sometimes we were busy and we forgot. If you forget to get your garbage can out to be emptied one week with a family of six, forget it, we were screwed. The next week is hell and you spend the next three weeks trying to catch up. Tonight as I took the can out, it wasn't even half full. It would take us at least three missed weeks to make us uncomfortable. 

My pictures the last two Mays are nice. I don't look exhausted, but I have leaned in to appreciate the ones where I look exhausted because they represent a time in life I will never get back. A time in life where parenting the way that was important to me was difficult. A time in life where I never could have imagined that all the difficult work would pay off. A time in my life where I never could have imagined standing in Radio City Music Hall and seeing my daughter walk across the stage with perfection.

So with five days left, ok ok I have seen some posts that jolted me into the reality of my past and many peoples present, walk past your crack house piles of laundry (you will get caught up in June), prop yourself up at the awards banquet, give yourself grace when you zoom in on your tired eyes in the picture, put out the fire that flames from your over used checkbook...I am dating myself and should say, venmo...as you pay for every May extravaganza. Lean into it. Because one day, the memory of this May will be special and feel so much different in hindsight. 

Congratulations Paige! You fill my heart with happiness and one day you will write all the very best things!