A New York State of Mind...

Reagan, our second college girl. moved to New York this year to go to college. It was a process. A journey. An emotional dump truck of crap for two tumultuous years that finally righted itself and turns out to have been a good choice. Maybe that's why it has taken me so long to write about it.  I wanted to feel good about the move before I could get it all down in print.

I have been gathering thoughts in my head for her departure. Collecting them since last summer. They have been stuck there in my head, tumbling over each other. Often when I write this is my process. Lots of gathered thoughts tumbling around in my head until they quiet themselves and fall into place. These thoughts, these New York thoughts, have just been tumbling and tumbling, for months.

They refused to quiet. But, to be fair to them, they haven't had the peace or space to fall into place. They were crowded in  with thoughts of San Diego college girl turning 21 and graduating, middle school girl off to week long science camp and finishing her last year at middle school, high school girl's week long journalism program in New York followed by drill season and a crazy year of AP class hell, my self chosen unemployment and the list goes on and on. 

We struggled, my New York girl and I. We struggled heavily. We struggled through one year of middle school and four years of high school, with Junior and Senior year just a battle ground with little to no relief at any moment. It was a clash of personalities. I recently saw the movie Lady Bird. I don't really need to recount our struggles because the author of Lady Bird has already done this in a beautifully written screen play. Every mother and daughter should see the movie. It is the story of Reagan and I, and I am sure many more.

And when it was all said and done, when I thought we could take no more, when I was sure there was no hope for either of us..she moved across country uprooting from our small wine country farm town in Northern California to New York City. It should have been a disaster at every turn, but it wasn't.


It was a huge leap of faith for her father and I to commit to schooling across country. I waffled endlessly in my mind (and sometimes screaming it loudly at her in a slightly crazy. maniacal manor two inches from her face). Did she deserve to go? Should we trust someone who couldn't keep a room clean or follow household rules at home to survive in New York City? In the end we decided to go for it. 

The turn around was immediate. It started when we flew back to move her and get her situated in the dorms. Selfishly I am going to tell you right now, flying to college and then just buying all the stuff at the college was a WAY better experience then loading my car full of all the stuff and driving 8 hours to move it in. I was braced for arguments, tension, irritation, the overall yuckiness in mood we had experienced the last 5 years. It never came. We moved her in, she was enjoyable, I enjoyed her, we made decisions together easily about what she needed and didn't need. It was like I was in a dream. It was obvious she was in the right place. 

Definitely one of the top ten best decisions I have ever made. We talk a lot. Text every day. She asks for advice or calls just to check in with me. She got a job. She got good grades her first semester. She will randomly call and thank us for letting her live her dream. It all just really fell into place for her and us. 

It isn't always perfect. There are moments of heavy deep sighs from me and strong irritation from her. We had a total break down of communication for a week after she had been there for a month over some things. And we both mutually decided that six weeks was at least one week too long for her to be trapped in our small town and home when she was home on winter break

So she is staying this summer. After some back and forth it was decided that this was the right choice. I will go back in May and move her to wherever one moves when they are living in New York on a college budget. For Thanksgiving we will go to her.We rented a house in New Jersey and I will enjoy a bucket list item of cooking dinner for my family as we enjoy a New York kind of Holiday. 

What I am reminded of daily is how proud I am of her. How proud I am of us. The odds were stacked against us in those high school years. It is the hardest parenting I have ever done. People ask about her all the time...she is a bit of a novelty in traveling so far to school. It is a thrill to respond. I light up and share that she is doing great. She is thriving. She is happy. I go all out in explaining how great she is doing. I over compensate for years of being asked, and responding with a pained look on my face while I mumbled "fine" while chewing a whole through the side of my mouth. 

I will never feel like I parented her well during those rough years. I still will wake up at 4 am and remember the battlefield years and feel a little sick. I can still spend a random hour regretting the way I handled things. I will always have regrets.But, at the moment I needed to, at just the right moment, I am grateful that I made the right choice.

New York is a special and complicated place for our little family. On a day of great despair for many it gave of us a day of hope,  a day to be grateful for survival against the odds. It seems fitting to see our little Lady Bird there, now, surviving...and thriving.  

I am finishing this writing up in the audience at a dance competition. My third competitive dancer, possibly my 20th dance convention/competition and probably the 4.000th slow and emotional lyrical song I have listened to in my life as a dance mom. So I am tearing up, crying a little as finish this and look for an ending. The tears are out of unbelievable love for my New York girl and little bit because of my background music as I write our story.  

For a full experience in reading this I encourage you to find a slowed down version of I Need A Hero (Footloose circa 1984) or Breathe by Faith Hill.